Even Now
by Rb
Summary: A new Animorphs fic from me? ::shrugs:: Why not? Angst, angst, spoilers for #54, angst, spoilers for #54, angst, don't read if you haven't read #54, and did I mention angst?


Even Now

Wow, a new Animorphs fic from me? This was a request from my imouto (little sis), who wanted me to write a new RT fic. It's reaaaally angsty, and with a lot of spoilers for #54. I know this idea is probably becoming a cliche, but the only post-#54 I can remember reading that's along these lines was Rhi's 'Adjuvant Attraction', and this is nothing like that.

If you intend to read #54 but haven't yet, then Do Not read this fic. There are major spoilers in here for #54, and I do not want to spoil that book for you. I am normally one of those people who loves spoilers, but...not for this book, all right? Not for this book.

However, if you have no intention of reading #54, or if you've never heard of Animorphs but just want to read a sample of my writing, then I guess it's okay to read this.

Disclaimer: K.A. Applegatecreated the characters, Scholastic published 'em, and I devoured the books, one a month. Animorphs was the first series that I was ever so involved in and loved to such an extent. Writing fics for this series isn't just for fun, like most of my fics are -- writing for Animorphs is a _privilege_.

If you haven't read #54, turn back now. This is your final warning. 

**Even Now  
by Rb**

Even now, it still hurts. Even now, your face swims before my eyes. Even now, breathing is painful, because you're not here with me.  
  
I wake up from dreams with a fresh stab of pain in my heart. I forget and remember and forget and remember endlessly in my dreams.   
  
I hate dreaming. I hate sleeping. I can leave my hawk mind in control during the daylight hours, but in the deepest reaches of the night, my hawk mind recedes, and I'm left with my memories.   
  
You dominate every aspect of my human side, you know. I can't stop thinking of you, the flash of your golden hair in the setting sun, the way your eyes pierced through me and saw my inner soul even when I wasn't aware it was there. The way we flew together, reveling in the joy that we could create.  
  
Together.  
  
But not anymore.  
  
---  
  
Even now, life is a twisted joke. Everyone I've ever loved has been taken away from me. Everyone I've ever loved...my father, my mother...you.  
  
You...most of all, I've always loved you. You nurtured me. When I was in pain, thinking of you would soothe my hurt. When I needed you, you were always there. Always. Without fail.   
  
You were the glue that mended my fractured pieces back together.   
  
Love is such a strange, dangerous thing. A fragile glass rose, too delicate to leave alone, too spiky to hold... The thorns always caught me. I always was on the losing side. I could never hold love.  
  
---  
  
Even now, I flap my wings. It's early morning, and the sunrise is beautiful. I pay no attention to it. If you were here, you'd notice it. I know you. I know you would. I should notice it for you, because you'll never know another.   
  
I continue to fly.  
  
I kill.  
  
I eat.  
  
I survive.   
  
I long for you.  
  
---  
  
Even now, your voice echoes in my head.   
  
I want you with me, to be part of me, my life, not to die a bird, not to die for nothing.  
  
But I'm not the one who died. I wish I was. I wish I could end this pain somehow, but I won't die. That's the coward's way, and you always hated cowards. Even if it meant being with you, I won't end my life. I will exist in this purgatory for the rest of the time I have.   
  
I don't want your sacrifice to be in vain.  
  
---  
  
Even now, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.   
  
It won't do me any good. I know that. It doesn't stop me.  
  
I love you, I love you, I love you.  
  
Fall, dive, swoop, drown. It's all the same, isn't it?  
  
I love you, I love you, I love you.  
  
I love you, I love you.  
  
I love you.  
  
---  
  
Even now, I don't know what I'm doing.  
  
You wouldn't like me as I am. A moody, silent hawk. Forgotten -- even shunned -- by the rest of the world.  
  
I want to lose myself.  
  
Sometimes I see Toby. Sometimes Cassie visits.   
  
I don't want to talk to them. They bring up too many memories of pain. Of you.   
  
I want to lose myself.  
  
I wish I wasn't aware. I wish I was a normal hawk. I wish...  
  
But wishes don't come true. Destiny itself is against me. There is no way for me to be happy any longer.  
  
I want to lose myself.  
  
---  
  
Even now, spring follows winter, and summer follows spring. You'd think that the seasons should stop, that the whole world should mourn with me.  
  
They don't. It doesn't.   
  
Knowing this doesn't make it any better.   
  
I huddle on a branch, raindrops dripping on my feathers like so many tears. The world is a vibrant green, the sky a dominating slate grey.   
  
The branch I'm standing on is wet. The bark is rough. All other animals are snug in their homes.  
  
I have no home, no friends, no family, no love.   
  
Life goes on.  
  
But I can't move with it.  
  
---  
  
Even now, floating on a thermal, the epitome of freedom, I'm chained.   
  
You're not with me.   
  
---  
  
Even now, I'm changing. The world's changing. My eyesight dims. My feathers melt. My body grows. I feel the familiar emptiness in my head. I am human.  
  
I try to walk, but I stumble. It's been a long time. I'm uneasy. I'm not used to my human form. I haven't been in it for a long time.  
  
My throat tightens. My heart is pained. One clumsy hand touches one smooth cheek. The fingers come away wet. I am crying.  
  
I want to morph back, but I stay in human form. I fold myself into the fetal position as more tears flow down. They drip off my face and form a new river in the dirt.  
  
I want you. I need you. Come back to me.   
  
---  
  
Even now, as the sun beats down upon my chest, I stay in my human form. I walk in the greenery which surrounds me. Animals vacate the area at the very scent of me, afraid of humankind and all of its spawn.  
  
I am sorry.  
  
I think of poetry, of song lyrics, of famous quotes. Anything at all to say. Thinking is difficult now, accessing data which has been relegated as 'unimportant'.   
  
Nothing fits.  
  
I kneel by a small stream and cup my strong human hands in the water and bring the precious liquid to my lips. I'm parched with thirst.  
  
I open my mouth, searching for something to say.  
  
"Rachel," I croak, my voice unrecognizable even to my own ears. "Rachel."  
  
I want you with me, part of me, my life, not to die a bird, not to die for nothing.  
  
"Rachel. Rachel. Rachel." Unaware of whether I'm speaking or thinking now. It doesn't matter. "Rachel. Rachel! Rachel!"  
  
Her voice buzzes in my ears. Tobias. Tobias. Tobias. Tobias. I'm overwhelmed.   
  
"Rachel! Rachel!"  
  
I want you with me, part of me, my life, not to die...  
  
"Rachel!"  
  
I want you with me, part of me, my life...  
  
"Rachel! Rachel!"  
  
I want you with me...  
  
"Rachel, don't leave me alone!"  
  
Fading. Faded. Gone.  
  
---  
  
Even now. Silence. Curled up in a ball, weeping, screaming, cursing.   
  
Rachel. Rachel. Rachel.   
  
I demorph, oddly glad that I haven't passed the time limit yet. I don't want to sacrifice myself for nothing. For a dream. For someone no longer real.  
  
I love you. I love you. I love you, Rachel, why have you left me, I need you, I want you, I love you, I can't stand this life alone any longer. Give me a sign. Give me death. It's not worth living without hope, and I have none left.  
  
Be with me. Please. Stay with me. Don't leave me. Don't let me exist alone.  
  
But I'm crying out to empty space.   
  
---  
  
Even now, I'm bitter, as I perch in my tree and watch as others laugh and love freely. I am alone. I will always be alone.   
  
I want you with me...  
  
It's all a dream, I try to convince myself. The past is nothing but a dream. I never loved. I never lost. I merely exist to fight and to fly.   
  
And then I remember a smile so sweet that flowers wilt in comparison, and I know I could have never created that.  
  
---  
  
Even now, as I fly, I remember things I once forgot.  
  
I remember ice cream cones. I remember the scent of beer and urine. I remember pain and pleasure mixed together in a tight package.  
  
I remember the pattern that music has, all music. I remember the lyrics to songs I forgot I knew.  
  
I remember you, in both times bitter and sweet.   
  
I don't want to block out the sweet things along with the sour. I don't want to exist like this. I don't want...I don't want to regret living, with you or without you.  
  
Even now, I'm not happy, and I doubt I ever will be again.  
  
Even now, my heart aches because you're not with me.  
  
Even now, I weep inside.  
  
I love you. I love you. Forever, without fail.  
  
Even now.  
  
  
  
  



End file.
